If.

IF I were to open a restaurant (Never happening.), here would be some of the items listed on the menu.

• "The Most Amazing Dish Ever": If you ask what it is, you don't get to order it.
• "Something Really Awesome, If You're Into Sandwiches"
• "The SURPRISE! Appetizer Platter": Assorted meats, cheeses and vegetables of similar sizes and shapes dipped in batter and fried, all on one plate.
• "Soup! You'll Have What We Have." No substitutions.
• "Random Meat On A Stick": We promise it's most likely safe.
• "The Heartstopper": Don't worry... It's JUST a burger... We swear. ["OHMYGAWDDIDTHATJUSTMOVE??"]
• "Roasted Squirrel Even Better Than Your Grandma Used To Make"
• "All Day Bacon." Includes a glass of lemonade with just a *hint* of bacon, and free refills. [Update: Imagine my horror when I discovered Denny's Bacon Sundae]

The name of the restaurant would most likely be "Questions." I think it has a nice ring to it, don't you? By the way, if you steal this idea, I will hunt you down, paper your house with pages from War And Peace, and sit next to your windows with a stereo blasting Rebecca Black's "Friday". All day, every day. Although I might have to hire someone else to do that part of it, because honestly it'd be just as torturous to me. See? You're costing me money.