Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Maybe one day my posts will be sunshine and light...

Off work this week, going a little crazy. Today was the kind of day that not even wearing my Mortimer the Panda hat could fix. I'm trying to find a new job, because I don't like not knowing how things are going to happen. Not sure if anything's going to come up. Resumes have been sent out, applications have been turned in, contacts have been . . . well, I haven't got that far yet. I'm having problems getting to that point. But who knows. Did a lot of running around town today, chasing the dog around, forgetting to pick up more dog treats, cleaning off the coffee table we're supposed to be getting rid of, and it's been pouring down rain all day, leaving the yard a flooded, muddy mess. By the time the hubby got home from work I had a sad going on. Bright spot: Stopped and treated myself to some ice cream, despite the rain.

My current job is temporary with a *chance* of becoming full-time and permanent after 6 months, and I don't know how many of these unpaid "vacation" weeks to expect. One of my deep-seated, neurotic, obsessive needs is for stability and consistency in my life. I know there is always a chance that your time at a company won't last, but I'm not used to a definite timeline to expect to become obsolete. So I'm looking for other options, but prepared to stay if I can't find anything. That puts the panicking off for 5 more months, which actually is much more like something I would do. But I've been lucky enough so far to not have to leave a job without having another one lined up, and would like to continue that trend. Complicating matters slightly, even though this isn't my ideal job by any stretch of the imagination, it could eventually pay well if I get promoted to supervisor or if I get kept on full-time, and I don't know if whatever else I could find would pay the same. And although it's frustrating at times (aren't they all?), it's definitely a do-able job.


Fuck. In all honesty, my biggest problems are my ego and self-esteem. I'm trying to maintain those things at a manageable, healthy level, since they've been suffering from a pretty big nosedive over the past few months. Granted, they weren't that high to begin with, but they were at levels that were a major improvement over where they've been the majority of my life. But now I've become an asshole, wanting to tie my self-esteem to what I'm doing to make money, and being disgusted disappointed in myself for not being where I wanted to be. I want to do something at least close to my "chosen field," but today I applied at a grocery store. And honestly, if my old job called back right now saying that a position had opened up, I don't know if I would take it. I don't think I'm ready to go back there to the same problems, even if the work meant a hell of a lot to me. I guess, though, that this is why I left there and took this job in the first place: To try and figure out what I want. And I've kinda figured that out, but I can't get to that point for a while. It needs funding, and for now, that means. . . this, I guess. This up-in-the-air bullshit that I really can't stand. Maybe I've set my standards too high. I swore I'd never go back to retail, but I have totally applied for positions in retail. I just need to get over myself. The majority of people with  my major end up doing something totally unrelated to what they went to school for, and I'm sure they didn't plan on that, so why should I be any different? I'll keep working on that. I hope that anyone who reads this will see some improvements in mood and tone over time. I just hate feeling like I'm back in this funk again. Maybe soon I'll post something I had written about being in the depths of my depression, so you'll know where I'm coming from, and hopefully you'll get to see me moving beyond that. Some day.

No comments :

Post a Comment