Thursday, March 24, 2011


I've been working from 5 am - 1 pm this week, (yay for working again!) but so far it sucks. Big time. My body has firmly decided that it prefers a sleep schedule that does not want anything to do with this particular work schedule. In theory, it's nice to be getting off work early in the afternoon, but it doesn't matter if I'm so exhausted from not being able to sleep the night before that I just go home and go to bed. Yesterday I took a nap right after I got home, and was feeling like American Idol comes on too late for me to watch it these days. I was worried I'd already be in bed by 7. But the nap helped tremendously, so I was able to wait until *after* watching that horrible, awful, addicting show before passing out. Today wasn't so bad, though, so maybe I'm starting to adjust. Fingers are crossed.

The other night (during the two hours I was able to kind of sleep) I had a hilariously bizarre dream. (Note: I frequently have bizarre dreams, but more on that later. Perhaps another post.) In this particular dream, I was walking through my house because I couldn't sleep. I heard someone stop in front of our house, so I went to the window to see what was going on. Of course, in this dream I was naked, so I didn't want whoever it was to see me. But I had all the lights on in the house despite the late hour, so I *knew* they knew someone was up. Turns out it was a friend of a friend, who in the dream I remember lives down the street because I remember him having stopped by on his way home a few times. In reality, he does not live nearby and has never been to our house. I recognized him *in the dark* because he was driving his Blazer and had his tattooed arm hanging out the window. Again, in reality he does not own a Blazer and doesn't have tattoos covering his arms. But in the dream, it was TOTALLY my friend, and I DEFINITELY did not want him to see me naked. We're not that close. So I decided to text him to let him know that I was just getting ready for bed, and I wasn't trying to be rude. Again. I do not even have this person's phone number. Are you getting the weirdness? But then it gets awesome.

Fast forward a little bit (because I can't remember what happened between these parts of the dream...), and suddenly I'm running outside (dressed now, of course) because I found out that *someone* had let my cats outside. They are strictly inside cats, except for a few dramatic escape attempts that make yet another story for another time. So I'm going outside after them, and when I'm going to scoop up one of the cats (we shall call her The Pants, the other cat shall be called Juggabutt) from the ditch across the street, neighbors outside barbecuing (Note: It's still nighttime when I should be sleeping). I look off to the left because OMG THERE'S A COUGAR AND A LEOPARD!!! And they looked irritated. So I scoop up The Pants and scramble to find Juggabutt to take her inside too before the BIG cats decide it's dinner time. Then suddenly The Pants and Juggabutt aren't an issue anymore, because they run inside all on their own when the big cats decide they're interested in *me.*  Luckily, the leopard disappeared (I guess my brain decided that THAT was a little too bizarre, therefore not believable enough to maintain a presence in the dream.), but the cougar moved into my driveway close to my garage. Also luckily, some random chick (who I believe was responsible for my kitties being outside) was standing behind the cougar (who stood up on his hind legs and walked menacingly over to me) holding an ice pick and a kitchen knife. I knew that it was my purpose to kill this vicious kitty, so I ice-picked him in the heart. He gave me this pitiful "How could you??" look, paws outstretched in true Jesus form, then proceeded to not die. So I cut him with the kitchen knife. He finally collapsed on the ground, but still was not dead. I ran inside.

*Fast forward*  I look out the window and see the cougar lying on the ground, flopping around all melodramatic, but clearly faking it. I mean, he was really milking it. It was like a bad movie. He wanted pity, and apparently he was never going to die. Then I hear something in the laundry room, so I go in there and find that same damn woman digging my dog out of a laundry basket full of clothes. (???) I ask her what the hell she is doing, and she says "I think he wants to go outside." So I of course say, "What the fuck are you thinking, woman? There's a goddamn COUGAR outside!!" She scoffs. So I tell her I will PROVE IT TO HER, and take her to the front door. And wouldn't you know it, that damn cougar is sitting on my porch, staring at my door, pitiful face and all. I decide to call the police, and they say "Yeah, we had come by there earlier after one of the neighbors called about a cougar, but we figured you could take care of it, so we left. How's that situation going, by the way?"  I started to tell them about my ice pick misadventure... when my alarm went off.   When I later tell my hubby that I dreamed a cougar was outside, he simply shrugs and says, "Eh, Pants would have taken care of it. She's a tough kitty." *Facepalm*


  1. I am so going to start saying that to people *here*: "ehh, I was going to come by earlier after one of the neighbors called about the cougar, but I figured you could take care of it."

    *hugs* Crystal

  2. That'll totally work. They'll think you're crazy/weird enough that they won't ask for help in the future, which frankly will save you a lot of trouble! *WIN* That's one of the things I like about you--your skill in getting results.

  3. This!!!!! This is why I follow this blog (and also because you are my dear sister). Also, Crystallini, I will be co-opting that same approach as well, if you please.

  4. Aw, Thanks Liz! How I adore you...