Lost in the dark.

Been feeling kinda blah again lately. Actually, been feeling kinda blah since I started this job, and "blah" is putting a positive spin on it. Unfortunately, while my job is mostly tolerable I don't think there's been a single "good" day there. There are only "not horrible" days, or days that can at best be described as "neutral." I now know exactly what it feels like to have no choice but to go to a job that you hate, day in and day out. I thought the call center job was the epitome of that feeling, but at that point I did have a choice.

I guess I still do have a choice, but the consequences of the choices I make are a lot higher now, without the luxury of The Hubby bringing in a paycheck. But it is what it is, and I have no regrets about the choices we've made in that regard.

Still, I don't like the person this job is turning me into. I've always been a person who finds it extremely difficult to be outwardly mean or rude. Not because I don't think some people are stupid lazy morons, but because I'd much rather just not deal directly with those people. I keep kind through avoidance and, when avoidance is not possible, a strongly-imbedded-in-my-psyche sense of fairness, politeness (is that a word?), and tact. I mean, this shit runs deep. Once I apologized to someone I despised for the way some of my friends had been treating her. I had despised her for a good long time, but I was never outwardly mean to her like they were being, and I didn't think they were being fair. Again, I handled this feeling towards her with avoidance, rather than taking it out on her. I figure if I can't stand someone, that's my own problem. I covered this topic extensively in this post on dickish behavior. I can't change their behavior or personality any more than they could change mine by being a douche towards me. Honestly, I save my inner snarky assholery for close friends, family, and blogging.

But now I spend all day feeling like everyone knows I'm just barely tolerating them. Granted, I am typically just barely tolerating people these days, but I can usually put on a pretty convincing facade. It's becoming a lot harder to do, though. And it bothers me. I've been having more spells that border on being anxiety attacks. I constantly feel overwhelmed and inadequate. When I'm at home all I want is to be left alone, period. The only way I can handle people is by reaching out to them myself. If anyone approaches me, I feel overwhelmed and resentful of what I presume to be their expectations--smiles, light conversation, small talk, witty banter, etc. It's just too much, and it makes me want to scream. I can handle texts and things like that, because they're fairly low-pressure, but beyond that it's very uncomfortable. (For this, I'm so sorry to anyone I know... Give me some time to get out of this funk. My typical method is to force myself to reach out, because I know I will be happy during and after the time spent with my friends/family, even if it stresses me out thinking about it beforehand and I put it off.) At work, all I want is to be left alone to do my work. Unfortunately "at work" means dealing with people--people who constantly lie, pick fights, behave inconsiderately towards others, have no understanding of personal space or the need for privacy when I'm having to talk to someone, and who ask the same questions over and over again without listening to the answers.

The worst part? This is humanity in the workplace in general. I will never be able to escape this.

I can't wait to quit this job and move far, far away. Or to get out of this deep, deep depression. Whichever comes first. It doesn't seem to matter much, because even minus one issue, the other is still almost unbearable.