Belief.

I just spent a good five minutes trying to type out a post asking for advice on my online birth community. And in trying to find my words, I found my answer on my own.

Redirection is a powerful, important skill to master. We'll call it the "bean dip" tool, thanks to said birth community. Say someone asks you a question or makes a suggestion, and it's really none of their business. You say something vague, then offer up the "bean dip"--the subject change. It can be literal, "Well, I hadn't heard of doing that before! Hm! *pause* Would you like some bean dip/a drink/a slice of pie?" or it can be the figurative discussion of the weather/current events/whatever shallow conversation happens to be your go-to.

My belief system (or lack thereof) is something that occasionally requires me to use my bean dip skills. Like many personal choices, religion is one of those things where it seems like people feel if you do something different, you are judging them for doing things their way.

I do not care in the slightest what other people do or don't believe in. But it can be really really important to some people to care about and try to influence what other people do or don't believe in. And it's exhausting.

I have a number of friends to whom their faith is extremely important. I have been very lucky in that the vast majority of my friends happen to not act like they pity me or fear for me or otherwise be condescending. I do not need people to "pray" for me (or if they do, I certainly don't need them to tell me about it), I do not feel as if I am missing anything. My life is complete and happy and meaningful without religion. If I'm wrong, I'm wrong, but I don't think I am, and I do not believe in hedging my bets, which is what so many would rather I do "just in case." If a wink and a nod and an apology surrounded by air quotations is all it takes to get into your heaven, then I think there are bigger problems than my refusal to participate.

But I wasn't meaning to get into a philosophical discussion here. My main point is that as with many things people can be "out" about, from child-rearing styles (more controversy there than you might think) to sexual preferences to political leanings, belief (or lack thereof) is sometimes a very difficult subject to broach with new people. You don't know where a new person stands on various issues, and just like with a new romantic relationship you don't want to hit the heavy topics right off the bat without making sure there's a foundation of some sort there. But sometimes it pops up right off the bat, and you have to make a decision.

This is the decision I was wanting to seek advice about in my birth community. How do you politely decline an invitation to a religiously-focused gathering? Whether a Bible study or church event, whether it's a casual or formal thing, it's difficult to say "No, but thanks for the invite!" It can turn into a question about whether it's a day/time/childcare issue, a one-time thing or a "ask me again later" thing, and just like with many other personal issues people feel like they have the right to ask about details. So you have to not only say no thanks, but also give a response that is specific enough to indicate that future invitations are not favorable but vague enough to not spur more questions.

What answer did I find on my own as I tried to organize my thoughts enough to put them into words asking for advice?

"What's the worst that can happen?" I will keep things light for as long as that answer is enough. "Thanks, but I'm not a Bible study/church event/whatever kind of person. Bean dip?" If that becomes not enough, I will be honest and respectful--as I always am. If the respect isn't reciprocated, then that is not a relationship I need to pursue anyway. If it's a dealbreaker for them, then I will gladly respect that as well. I am not a martyr, I am not a person who believes you should be forced to suffer any relationship that causes you pain or other negativity.

Not every new friendship is meant to last. Sometimes it's just that step you need to get to better places. Sometimes that new friendship becomes so solid it's like you have always known each other, even if you can count on one hand the number of times you've met in person and you are complete opposites on some major issues. Some friendships are meant to be light, airy, surface friendships; some are meant to reach straight into your soul. Both are important. So we'll see where this one ends up on that continuum.  

I could be the only one in the world that deals with this, but I doubt it.

For all the other married chicks out there... Anytime you have a conversation with a dude and he finds out you're married, does that kill the conversation and any future possibility of conversation or even *gasp* friendship almost immediately? Does this same phenomenon occur if you're not married, but in a relationship?
For all the dudes out there, married, divorced, in a relationship, single, whatever... Do you really ALWAYS think we were interested in you like *that* in the first place??

This is something that has truly pissed me off from the first time it happened to me. You see, I've always gotten along well with guys. I was raised around guys, I have a "guy" sense of humor, and things are generally more relaxed and goofy with guys than it is with girls. (Of course, this is by NO MEANS a blanket statement applying to all females--I've got some seriously awesome girl friends--they know who they are!!--who aren't all-gossip-no-goofballing, and I value those friendships probably more than they'll ever know.) And it's not what you might think--I'm not the super-flirty chick that hangs around guys for attention. Trust me, I know the difference. In fact, I didn't have a lot of boyfriends growing up because I was always considered "one of the guys." I was always someone they joked around with, not someone they'd seriously consider dating. So that's where I'm coming from with all this.

This is why it hurts and makes me absolutely furious when someone I've been joking around with now has nothing to do with me, and won't even hardly look at me. It's not like I was looking for a new best friend or anything, but what the hell?! All the sudden, since you know there's no chance of fucking me, I'm not worthy of your time, even a "Hey, how's it going?" Honey, there was no chance of that in the first place. And I have a HUSBAND, not THE PLAGUE. I'm sure "marriage" isn't going to rub off on you if you stand too close to a cool freakin' chick (if I do say so myself!) who happens to be married.

This just really makes me re-think my defense of guys and their sometimes douchecanoe-y behavior. It really seems to prove that guys and girls really can't be friends, but cheese-and-rice don't people usually at least make an effort to not make it so damn obvious what's going on?

Hey man, we work at the same place. We're gonna see each other occasionally. You think I'm not gonna remember the way you just treated me? Fuck you. I'm a human being, not a target for you to try and aim your dick at.

I'm tired of this shit. And everyone there still keeps on wondering why I'm so quiet, why I never fucking smile, why I'm not appearing to be absolutely fucking thrilled to be there. Guess what? Even though I am dealing with some serious depression right now... I smile a lot. I talk a lot. I joke around a lot. I laugh a lot. Ask *anyone* who knows me. You're just not worthy of it anymore.

I think I'll start opening conversations with new people--guys, anyway--with "Hi! I'm [actual name here]. I'm married. Go ahead and pretend you never spoke to me now, since I'm pretty sure that's how this works." Then I'll walk away, so I don't get pissed to see them do it first. Otherwise, they might try to laugh it off and pretend that wasn't going to be the case... But then that'll still end up being the only conversation we have.

But some part of me still feels like that's a bunch of bullshit. How the hell am I supposed to handle this kind of thing?? I am totally *flabbergasted* by this. Am I doing something wrong? I've never been one to hide behind the husband, using him as an excuse to not have to meet and deal with obnoxious people. Although I prefer someone else initiating conversations, I really do like meeting or just talking to people, even if it really doesn't seem like it. Am I taking it too personally? Never mind, I know I am, but it seems impossible for me to just let it go. Please help! What am I supposed to do in these situations?

Damn you, St. Patrick's Day. Damn you.

Apparently today is a holiday of sorts. A holiday of green beer, green baked goods, leprechauns or otherwise small jaunty Irishmen, shamrocks, bad accents, parades, limericks and other bad poetry, and an assortment of other stereotypes insulting to the proud Irish people. Well, I assume they would be insulted if they weren't too drunk to notice. *BA DUMP-BUMP*

It's also a day that I declare dedicated to whores and assholes, be they Irish or be they... not Irish. Bear with me on this one: What happens on St. Patrick's day through all the drinking and the green cake crumbs pasted all over the faces of office-workers desperate to believe they're having fun?  You get pinched if you're not wearing green. This is where the whores and assholes come in.

These assholes are most likely easy to spot based on their totally original "Kiss Me, I'm Irish!" tee-shirts, pins, trucker hats, belt buckles, and beer helmets, as well as the bloodshot eyes, leering grin and the stench of their mother's disappointment. (Odds are you would already recognize this particular breed from their tendency to otherwise be sporting gel-spiked hair while wearing Ed Hardy tees or message shirts saying things like "I'm not as drunk as you think I am". They probably also frequently quote Dane Cook.)

But you must also be on the lookout from the whores, who, let's face it, act like they're just wanting to get a pinch from one of the assholes. They're the ones who will wear no obvious green, only to giggle and fake outrage when pinched, as they beg you to look into their eyes--because their EYES are green, silly! *giggle giggle* (*facepalm* Everyone knows that doesn't count!) Or they'll slyly attempt to peel down the waistband of their too-tight skinny jeans to show their potential suitor their bright green panties. "See? I'm wearing green!" *eyelash-bat giggle giggle*  You might think they're just looking for an ass-pinch, fellas. But then they'll be furious when you do it, as well they should be. Never pinch a stranger's ass, even if that stranger appears to be a whore.

Keep in mind the poor fellow who mistakenly thinks St. Patrick's Day is a trumped up holiday and therefore forgets that some random day in March dictates the color tie he should wear. Or the person who vehemently despises the color green due to the inability to find anything that doesn't look like strained peas or baby shit when they're wearing it. Or someone who is colorblind and therefore buys everything in colors that they can easily distinguish, green being a typical blind spot. None of this matters to me.

I despise holidays which *force* you to participate with an immediate, physically violent punishment for neglecting this duty. This is the only one I can think of right now. Therefore it gets all of my loathing. Even New Year's Eve is somewhat forced because you are *forced* to accept that you didn't even come close to sticking to the previous year's resolution, and you might as well donate that size six "goal dress" to your more attractive sister. She had picked it out anyway, knowing damn well your fat ass wasn't gonna be laying off those pints of Ben & Jerry's anytime soon. But nobody pinches you for not "participating."  This is where the "assholes" come in, and trust me, they're out in full force and drunk to boot on this particular holiday. No matter what your excuse, if you're not sporting at least a green sticker you're getting pinched. True assholes will pinch even if you've got some green, claiming they didn't see it anyway. These are the bastards that'll be sneaking up behind everyone to pinch them, because most people will be able to at least find something to pin to the front of their shirt, but might not think of the vulnerable back of their shirt.

In any case, I don't like being forced to participate in a holiday of any sort through the threat of violence. And to me, a pinch is violent. (I bruise easily.) However, I must admit that it's a highly persuasive threat, due to the bruising factor, so I'm wearing greenish cargo pants and green knee socks. My shirt is black and gray, though. *Boosh*  You pinch me, I'm calling the motherfucking cops. Asshole.

"I know I promised you a badass gift, but they couldn't sell alcohol on Sundays!"

So, forty-eight hours of work down, 952 hours to go. Totally do-able. Temp jobs are awesome like that.

This weekend was amazing. I went with my group of best friends (the title of this post was something one of them told her boyfriend on our way home) on a trip for a "Bachelorette Weekend" for a friend who is getting married soon. We brought her awesome little boy with us as well since after all he's getting "married" to the guy, too! We rented a gorgeous cabin near Gatlinburg, Tennessee, which is full of all kinds of fun things for both adults and kids. I highly recommend it to anyone. The little guy and I quickly became best friends for the duration of the trip after I helped him dismantle his Lego firetruck, then he reminded me that the fireman would become a zombie if we took him apart, so we did that too. Did I mention that this kid is awesome? He held my hand throughout a good portion of the trip, all through town and during all the activities we did. One of the girls compared us to "Rob & Big," or at least the theme song. I saw her point. Little dude was all energetic and silly and hilarious, dragging me into all sorts of interesting situations (sure, I'd love to crawl through this secret tunnel, who cares about claustrophobia?! And please show me everything in the gift shop one more time, I'm pretty sure I missed it all the first time around!), and I was right there having fun and making sure he didn't hurt himself. I don't think I would've had it any other way! The trip just wouldn't have been the same without him.

I also experienced some warm/tingly feelings at sleeping (or at least trying to sleep) in a house full of people, which I really haven't experienced since I left home. I grew up in a big family, so I got used to trying to get to sleep (or to stay asleep) when I could clearly hear everyone else breathing, snoring, tossing and turning in their sleep, and especially the morning noises: showers running, toilets flushing, refrigerator doors opening and closing, coffee being made, quiet conversations, people moving around while trying to be quiet... Now that it's just me, the hubby, and the pets, and especially now that the hubby and I work different hours, I don't get that experience so much. I have always been a light sleeper, but I'm really stubborn about getting up. So this weekend I smiled (but stubbornly kept my eyes closed, willing myself to/back to sleep) at the noisiness of it all, enjoying the feeling that this too is my family.

I love spending time with the girls. We are all so different, and are in all kinds of different places in life, but somehow it just works. And I love the way it works. We can just talk and joke around for hours, and in instances like this we easily keep it up for days. There's so much history to remember, and every get together brings new things we can build on in the future. The inside jokes and the stories and those little moments of hilarity and depth and all those other things that stem from the happiness, familiarity, and comfort in a satisfying, long-running friendship. We've dealt with some major issues, and we've laughed at and with each other. Hard. The best times are of course the times when someone says or does something... and all I have to do is look at whoever else is around to know that they are thinking the same thing I am: "Wow. Did that just happen?" And then we start cracking up, because my group is definitely capable of saying and doing totally idiotic things on a regular basis. It's those things that you can't explain to anyone else, because they weren't there, and they are probably sane. It's that comfort with each other that allows you to totally be yourself and know that even when you're getting laughed at for saying something stupid, and stories of years-old exploits are being re-told to the same gales of laughter, you are loved just as much for your mistakes and shortcomings as you are for your particular brand of awesomeness you bring to the group. But I think that's just friendship in general. At least that's my experience of it, and it's wonderful. I've just been especially lucky to have had this group of friends (especially this large of a group) for so long. What's awesome is that we're already tentatively planning the next Bachelorette Weekend for another one of the girls, because she's getting married towards the end of the year. I can't wait to see what that trip brings, and all the stuff in between!